Assignment #2
The highest level of the four-story building is silent except for the up and down motion of the elevators. Outside, vehicles bustle down the highway; occasional car horns and screeching of wheels fill the air. The faint sound of bells chiming breaks the moment of stillness. One elevator dings as the doors open revealing two students who come in whispering. Sitting across the room, the two chat with each other. They sit nearby the elevators. Four plants that resemble trees rest throughout the edges of the room. A horseshoe shaped garden borders the water conserving pipes that are visible in this room. Since it is close to noon, a few students come to enjoy the view as they eat their lunch, sleep, or do work with friends. Without the constant sounds that fill the room, it would be an unexciting room.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This is excellent.
ReplyDeleteHere is some tightening to consider ... you'll have to compare yours and mind to see the differences.
--------------------------------------
The highest level of the four-story building sits silent except for the up and down motion of the elevators. Outside, vehicles bustle, with occasional car horns and wheels screeching through the air. The faint sound of bells chiming breaks the stillness. One elevator dings as the doors open, two students come in whispering. Sitting across the room, near the elevators, they chat. Four plants, almost trees, line the edges of the room. A horseshoe-shaped garden borders the water conserving pipes that are visible in this room. It's almost noon. Students come to enjoy the view, eat lunch, sleep, or work with friends. Without the constant sounds that fill the room, this would be one boring place.
--------------------------------------
As I said, this is excellent. You really have a way with words.
I looked for "is and of that" and tried to write around them ... mostly stripping out things that didn't add much.
One piece of advice I forgot to give this morning was the advice to read things aloud after you've written them. It helps to get the poetry part of the writing to flow. Even though this isn't poetry, it's very poetic, which is something I really enjoy about writing.
--------------------------------------
Here's an excerpt from my first book, which has a lot of the same cadence and rhythm that your writing has.
When a back-sliding Baptist sees a sign from god wash up on the beach in front of her, she should know enough to worry. But with her passport to paradise having long since expired, this Sunday stroller wouldn’t know a sign from god if it bit her on the butt. Which explains why she doesn’t so much as flinch when the cold Atlantic brine crashes hard around her ankles. Doesn’t see the troubled twins who watch her from the dunes. Doesn’t stop to think. Doesn’t think to pray. Moving fast to break a sweat, moving slow to comb for shells, she tracks the scalloped driftline with abandon. She angles past a willet standing one-legged in the sand, its head tucked onto its back like a spoon. The whisk of her walking springs the bird to life. It skitters away with her thoughts.
She spies a gleaming glimmer in a swirling tidal pool. She stops and stoops and reaches. She falls face first in the foam.
Thank you.
ReplyDeleteIt took me so long to get this the way it is right now. It could be better still. I normally read what I write aloud. It does help a lot to do that.